PRESS RELEASE: BP Wins The Powerball
Not since the Great Bambino, Babe Ruth, called his shot back in the Game 3 of the 1932 World Series by majestically pointing to the wall before his historic home-run has such a bold prediction come true... Brent Coon claimed that each of the Powerball tickets he purchased for BP would win and his prediction rang true. Boom!
Brent Coon correctly called the correct "Powerball" number for all 25 of the tickets he purchased for the executives of BP. As a result, each of the executives at BP were a winner in last night's Powerball drawing. Despite the fact that the tickets purchased for BP did not qualify for the grand prize of $1.5 Billion dollars, each ticket does entitle BP to be awarded $4 US dollars per ticket. These tickets have been validated and accepted. Below is a copy of a letter, accompanied by copies of the tickets, which Brent Coon has sent to the executive board of BP regarding the terms and conditions of their winnings.
BCA POWERBALL LOTTERY CONTEST ENTRIES: YOU ARE A WINNER
DEAR MEMBER OF SENIOR MANAGEMENT AT BP,
Congratulations are in order! All 25 of the $1.5 Billion dollar Powerball Lottery tickets we purchased for the senior management and Board of Directors of BP this week were winners! We picked the number 10 as the actual Powerball number, and as you can see from the copies of the actual tickets we sent to your general counsel before the drawing Wednesday, the number 10 was picked as the Powerball number at the time of the drawing, which applies for every one of the tickets. This alone is a very lucky set of circumstances, as there were 25 other numbers to choose from on the Powerball. As our initial correspondence indicated, the intended purpose was for the tickets to be the overall winner of the entire lottery, not just a Powerball winner. Had that also occurred, we would have applied the winnings as a distribution to our thousands of BP oil spill clients still waiting for resolution with BP on their loss claims. Since that did not occur, and the winnings are not sufficient to apply to the claimants losses, we are submitting an alternative distribution method, one that BP tends to prefer these days… a class action settlement. This alternative, as we all know now, is a way of capturing claims in one net and paying each claimant much less than what would be owed if the case were tried, or even nothing at all.
Accordingly, we will proceed to handling this transaction similarly to the way BP has handled our clients oil spill claims.
First, we need to know if each of you executives prefer to be paid in the BCA Powerball class action, or if each would prefer to “opt out” of the class action and go another route. Before making that decision, we want to advise you executives as to what is entailed to receive your final offer in the class settlement versus other payment programs now available.
For each of you executives, we have determined that you now meet the eligibility requirements of this program. Therefore unless you “opt out”, you will be reviewed for payment through the rules and guidelines established by the BCA Powerball Class Action Settlement Fund.
BCA POWERBALL WINNER CLASS ACTION NOTICE
As a potential beneficiary of the Brent Coon and Associates (BCA) Powerball class action, you may be entitled to compensation for choosing one or more correct numbers to the January 12, 2016 Powerball lottery contest. It has been determined that you were eligible for the drawing, had a ticket purchased in your name for the drawing by BCA, and that you had the correct and winning Powerball number, to wit, the number 10. These tickets have been validated and accepted.
According to the rules of the Powerball lottery, this entitles each such winning ticket to a minimum of $4 U.S. Dollars. In order to now claim those winnings, you will need to make a request to the BCA Powerball class settlement program.
Please note that payments are to be paid in U.S. dollars or equivalent, and each eligible executive who has won will have to incur their own transactional costs in converting U.S. dollars to British coinage or other European currency for that cup of coffee this will buy. Since it has been determined that none of the other selected numbers match in the requisite amounts required for additional winnings, all 25 executive winner tickets are redeemable for exactly $4.00 US Currency.
In order to receive payment, you must do the following:
Compliance with the Documentary Proof of Claim process.
In order to review and process your claim request, we need you to provide proper documentation, in triplicate and certified, of each of the following:
1. Birth certificate
2. Driver’s license and social security validation
3. W-9 tax form (gambling winnings are taxable under US law).
4. Current Resume
5. Name and address of all next of kin
6. Name and address of all other students from your third grade math class
7. Name of your favorite three marsupials (the British colonized the three locales of these animals, so shouldn’t be hard to name 3)
8. Year, make, model and vin number of the car you drive. (You can substitute with your limousine or private jet information).
9. Complete copy of your criminal record
10. List of all meetings you have attended on behalf of BP discussing ways to screw BP oil spill victims.
B. Other BS just to yank your chain and drag out the claims process a few years
1. Identify your favorite brand of underwear.
2. Identify whether you are left or right handed for further security purposes.
3. Itemized list of all of your socks, including how many are matching pairs and not, and the colors of each.
4. A written explanation of what you have been doing generally since April 20, 2010 (date of the Gulf oil spill).
5. Write down the name of each and every person BP has not yet paid out of the oil spill disaster and send them a letter of apology.
Once we have received all of this information, we will throw it away and deny we every got it. We will then send you to our complaints department, which is staffed with people with no last names and who quit every other day, so you will never get a regular liaison. You will then be asked to send all the information again…and again. Probably for about 3 or 4 years. If you are still trying to get this money by then, we will give you some due credit for determination and put you in line for payment. However, once we do that, it will resource over to our Fraud, Waste and Abuse review committee. Since this department is designed to harass you, and is staffed with folks who suspect everyone, the department will immediately presume that you are not who you say you are and that you are a fraud. At that time, you will be asked to fly to our offices for a full body cavity search and finger printing. Then you will have to complete an obstacle course swimming through a pool of oil with searing flames emanating from a nearby well for endurance testing purposes. This will enable us to determine how much longer you may actually put up a fight to get your money.
If you successfully complete the obstacle course, we will then deny your claim in the Fraud Waste and Abuse program for unspecified reasons. However, we will in the meantime be sending high paid secret service types to crawl through every nock and cranny of your past, looking for anything possible to cloud your credibility. This will include, of course, unconstitutional private subpoenas of every record in existence regarding all of your past activities, wiretaps and hacking into your personal affairs, all of which are frankly irrelevant to the claim and far outweigh in expense the value of your claim, but that doesn’t matter. What matter is that BCA will have a great deal of overqualified people dragging this out as long as possible because they will all be paid millions of dollars of shareholder monies overseeing this program to make sure that every single dollar of this $100 dollar fund is properly paid.
OPT OUT OPTION
If each eligible winner instead prefers to OPT OUT of the BCA Class Settlement Program, you can fill out the appropriate opt out form and remit to our office no later than ten minutes from now. If we receive any in a timely manner, we will remit the funds to each eligible recipient after the remaining claimants with outstanding and unresolved cases in the oil spill case have been resolved. In the meantime, we are holding checks made payable to each in the hopes that someday soon these claims will finally be honored and everyone will have closure. Since BP has chosen to wait out over five years so far and still refuse to discuss A SINGLE CASE for settlement purposes, we do not foresee any immediate resolution so the eligible executives should be advised that you should make contingency plans and not rely on these funds for your financial planning at this juncture.
In addition, if any such eligible BP executive does ever receive your $4 dollar payment, please be advised that the BCA Powerball Class Action reserves the right to take it back someday, probably after you have spent it on groceries for your family and other basic necessities to get past various hardships you have endured. If in fact we do make such a decision, you will be entitled to a review of the decision by other people on our payroll who know how their bread is buttered, so don’t count on seeing it again.
We are glad to again advise you in closing that your claim is serious to us, and that we will give it the complete attention it deserves. No one should be more respected than a senior executive of a major oil company who has helped delay payments to hundreds of thousands of innocent victims of the worst man-made disaster in the history of mankind.
Please note we reserve the right to say things we don’t mean, or even are exactly opposite of what we have said before, and likewise reserve the right to change all of the conditions of settlement, and even to appeal our own settlement, just to add additionally layers of confusion and delay to the process. Subject to all of these rules and demands, we do want you to know that we care about each and every one of you as if you were our own, and we understand and appreciate our moral, legal and ethical obligations to stand by each of you through this process and do the right thing because we know at the end of the day, we all want our lives back!
We thank you for participating in this program and apologize in advance for any difficulties you may face in procuring your recovery. This was our first effort at creating such a program, so we decided to basically copy one already in existence that you would be familiar with…..YOURS.
Good day mates, and again, congratulations!!
Brent W. Coon
Founder/CEO-Brent Coon & Associates
Founder/CEO- Coondog Productions
Board Certified-Civil Trial Law (NBTA)
Board Certified-Personal Injury Trial Law (TBLS)
Executive Board-National Trial Lawyers Association
Executive Board-Environmental Trial Lawyers Association
Licensed with the United States Supreme Court